Lip Sweaters

The Dirt

loosecannon9 — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 04:05:39 +0000

Style: A wisp of a stache, ideal for novices and on-the-go types that can’t fuss with the maintenance and work that goes into cultivating a fuller mustache.

History: Originating in the southern United States just after the Civil War. Many young men had to take over as head of their family households after their brothers and fathers were killed during the Northern War of Aggression. It was well known that the best price on barley and feed was reserved for mature men, much favored by the sodomist general store proprietors. Cultivating a dirt stache helped these pubescent youngsters be taken seriously by those cornholing bastards.

Modern Times: A resurgence in the Dirt seems to have coincided with the skyrocketing popularity of meth labs and NASCAR.

Perfect For: Date rapists, rednecks, meth lab proprietors, and 17 year olds trying to buy alcohol.

loosecannon9 — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 19:03:57 +0000

Style: An arrangement of dark lip hugging hair that creeps downward in the shape of an upside-down “U.”
History: The legendary Cannon was invented in 1974 in W. Lafayette, IN by L. Cannon, patenting it that same year. This is the first time this has ever happened but many celebrities followed in his historic footsteps. For example, Tom Selleck patented his Magnum P.I. lip sweater in 1985. At first, people were horrified with this bold, unshaven presentation but it soon gained in popularity and is still the choice of shadeballs around the world.

Modern Times: A lawsuit between L. Cannon and the producers of the TV comedy Reno: 911 and the director of the Beastie Boys “Sabatoge” video settled out of court for a total of 7.3 million. L. Cannon also won the rights to the entire species of black caterpillars to their close resemblance to his famous ‘stache.

Perfect For: Self-deprecating inviduals,time wasters, people who scream “Are You F—ing Kidding Me?’ at least eleven times a day, and those with a penchant for 80′s hard rock.

loosecannon9 — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 20:18:12 +0000

The Kwasman is very popular in West Chicago. Even the mayor sports one!

Style: An entire foot of lip whiskers, curled upwards at the end with “Dapper Dan’s Slick Lips”

History: This was first sighted in 1643 at a house party that featured a juggling clown named Kwasman. It reached it’s pinnacle of popularity in the War of 1812. Unfortunately, the majority of the individuals who chose to sport this ‘stache died in battle. The Kwasman was never seen again.

Modern Times: After almost 200 years, the Kwasman has again emerged and is in style in the city of West Chicago. Even the mayor proudly displays this facial assortment of follicles! The mayor, Mike Kwasman, claims he chose this lip sweater because he “liked the name and saw it on the History Channel.”

Perfect For: Individuals with no sense of humor, elected officials that make fun of tax payer’s mothers, kangaroo court judges, and advocates of Redflex Red Light Cameras. For more info on Mayor Kwasman, please visit www.rufkm.net.